TROY, MI—After naming the make and model the most promiscuous in its class, consumer analytics firm J.D. Power and Associates announced Tuesday that it had chosen the Hyundai Elantra as the sluttiest car of 2023. “Based on our own research and reports from independent automobile owners, we found that the Elantra puts out more than any other car currently on the market,” read a J.D. Power press release, noting that on Presidents’ Day weekend alone, the Elantra had been picked up by thousands of Americans, many of whom were attracted to the skanky vehicle’s keyless entry and low introductory price. “With an inline four-cylinder engine and smart cruise control, the 2023 model will go home with practically anybody who turns it on. In addition, the Elantra Limited series can be a total whore, fitting five passengers inside its compact body at the same time, although it would probably be down for even more.” The statement went on to note that last year’s winner, the Kia Sorento, could no longer be recommended, having been recalled after numerous driver complaints of blue balls.
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