Fast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 Extra Nuclear Subs But He Has To Sign Today

SAN DIEGO—Saying this was the sort of sweetheart deal that he wouldn’t give his own mother, a fast-talking Joe Biden reportedly upsold Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese on two extra nuclear submarines this week, but emphasized that he had to sign today. “Look, Tony—cool if I call you Tony, right?—you seem like a nice guy, and I want to get you out the door with the sort of nuclear sub you deserve, so I’m willing to throw in the rust-proofing and chrome-plating for free,” said Biden, telling the 60-year-old Western leader to sit tight and he would run the deal up the flag poll to make sure everything was kosher. “Obviously, if it were just me making this call, I’d do it for you no problemo, but my boss is gonna have my ass if I don’t make sure everything’s on the up-and-up. Listen, the last thing I want is for you to miss out on this sweet deal. So give me one sec while I step into my office, and I’ll be back lickety-split. In the meantime, think about those heated leather seats. If I were you, I’d get them for the missus, but hey, I know you’re a smart guy. Just remember, if you put ink to paper today, I’m willing to toss in some top-notch secrets about Iran’s nuclear enrichment levels.” At press time, Biden had reportedly left the prime minister in order to rush into a side office, close the blinds, and begin a passionate argument on an unplugged phone demanding his boss let him make the deal.