SEATTLE—Calling his motivations “beyond transparent,” sources at Starbucks headquarters confirmed Wednesday that CEO Howard Schultz was clearly only coming into the building to use the bathroom. “He clogged the toilet, stuffed some sugar packets into his pockets, and left,” said 27-year-old Starbucks project manager Alison Whitlock, who estimated that Schultz came into the Starbucks office approximately three to four times a week just to lock himself in the bathroom for 10 minutes and leave a terrible mess. “He took a minute to hover near the front, pretending to read a couple of documents, but his eyes were darting toward the bathroom door the whole time. It’s so annoying. All he does is make our jobs harder.” At press time, Starbucks workers were forced to call 911 after Schultz had reentered the building and started screaming at everyone.
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