Financial Experts Recommend Investing In Businesses Government Will Bail Out Anytime They Fuck Up

NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their money in a secure corporation whose solvency the government will rush in to maintain whenever they make a stupid, negligent decision resulting in a complete collapse that sends markets into a tailspin,” said Charles Scwabb financial advisor Jackie Bohlmann, adding that businesses like banks, mortgage finance institutions, airlines, automotive manufacturers, or any other too-big-to-fail companies that can count on a bailout when their avarice leads to massive failures that threaten the entire national economy are a smart and safe investment. “We suggest padding your portfolio with a handful of businesses able to fuck up so badly that the government awards them emergency loans financed by taxpayers to address their impending cash shortages. These are especially profitable if you can also invest long-term by sitting on the board of directors and paying yourself a $140,000 bonus just hours before regulators move in to perform damage control on failing business.” Bohlmann added that people shouldn’t fear the higher interest rates for any government financial aid in such a crisis because those loans will most likely be forgiven so that executives may have the capital needed to start the lucrative investment cycle all over again.