NEW YORK—In the wake of recent moves to reduce the size of its library in order to save on residual payments, streaming service HBO Max announced Thursday it would move forward with a plan to destroy all evidence that The Sopranos ever existed. “Once we have finished burning the 35-millimeter film on which the series was shot and deleting all digitized footage, we will begin confiscating millions of DVD box sets, which will then be steamrolled into tiny pieces and dumped into the Hudson River,” said CEO Casey Bloys, who explained that HBO would begin enforcing a unique noncompete clause in cast members’ contracts that would prohibit Edie Falco, Michael Imperioli, Lorraine Bracco, and other Sopranos stars from ever again taking an acting role and inadvertently reminding viewers of the show’s existence. “We have already bulldozed the structures used for exterior shots of Tony Soprano’s home and Satriale’s Pork Store, and will soon proceed with demolitions of the Lincoln Tunnel and the entirety of the New Jersey Turnpike.” Bloys confirmed that HBO had also directed its general counsel to send cease and desist letters to every Italian restaurant in the world that has baked ziti on the menu.
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