MILFORD, CT—With new genetic evidence tying Covid-19 to animals sold at a wet market in Wuhan, China, Subway CEO John Chidsey confirmed Friday that he had just assumed this whole time that the virus originated with the restaurant chain’s Cold Cut Combo. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I was 99% sure Covid-19 made the jump to humans from one of our classic Cold Cut Combo sandwiches,” said Chidsey, adding that it wouldn’t have been the first time a global pandemic spread from one of the franchise’s menu offerings, nor would it be the last. “Between the three types of lukewarm, sweaty cold cuts; the translucent, decomposing vegetables; and the bulk, room-temperature mayonnaise we pile on that thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if it took out 3 million people in one day, let alone over the course of several years. In fact, I’m still not convinced it didn’t—that’s not too far off our annual number of rancid ham-related deaths. Nothing is cooked inside a Subway, and we are still not allowed to classify our bread as food, so you do the math. Most of this meat is just sitting outside the back door in a garbage bag—we don’t even order it, and when we do order it, it’s purchased loose from the back of some guy’s truck that’s always parked in the sun. So I can’t say whether or not an infected raccoon dog or bat or whatever made it into one of our sandwiches or was, God forbid, exposed to one, but either way, I presumed this whole thing was either our fault or Quiznos’.” At press time, Chidsey had reportedly used the public exoneration as an opportunity to relaunch Subway’s discontinued H1N1 Chicken Club from 2009.
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