Uh-Oh: Fine Print In Noahic Covenant Says Promise Not To Flood The Earth Is Void If Humanity Starts Using Rainbow Colors To Refer To Weird Sex Stuff

JERUSALEM — Scholars of the Hebrew Bible at Israel’s Bar Ilan University have discovered new fine print in the Noahic Covenant. The divine vow to never again flood the earth is rendered “null and void,” experts explain, if humanity ever co-opts the rainbow into a widespread and ongoing campaign for weird sex stuff.

“The Covenant has traditionally been called ‘unconditional,’ but the underlying verbiage enumerates clear limiting principles: the flag being used to symbolize debased and unnatural sex acts, for example, would remove humanity’s legal protection against another flood.” Lead researcher Avi Goldstein introduced the panel of legal, biblical, and archaeological scholars at his University’s conference “God’s Bow, Noah’s Boat, And A Deluge Of Perversion.”

Activist groups have violated much of the panel’s outlined Covenantal precedent authorizing another flood, including using the rainbow to symbolize the great sin of pride and sexual perversion rather than God’s solemn vow to never again flood the earth.

At publishing time, evangelical Christians had weighed in with contradicting claims, with scholar Ken Ham taking umbrage with the panel’s insistence on calling the Ark a “boat.”

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