Breakthrough: Xi Announces Deal In Which Russia Stays In Ukraine And China Invades Taiwan

MOSCOW — The world breathed a collective sigh of relief today as Chinese President Xi Jinping announced a historic peace agreement in the Russian-Ukrainian war in which Russia will stay in Ukraine permanently and China will also invade Taiwan.

“This is a great achievement for peace,” Xi said in a statement after the deal was completed. “Everything in the world can now return to normal, except Russia will now have full control of Ukraine, and we will aggressively invade Taiwan and dominate the people of that region. A wonderful peace agreement for everyone!”

Xi arrived in Moscow to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin with the goal of negotiating a ceasefire in the ongoing Russian conflict with Ukraine. After several hours, both parties were happy to agree on the pact that would see both Russia and China getting exactly what they wanted. “There is truly no downside to this deal,” Putin said. “These were difficult negotiations, but we reluctantly agreed to take complete control of Ukraine.”

Questions were immediately raised about the agreement from other nations, namely Ukraine and Taiwan. “We’re not even involved in the Russia-Ukraine war!” said a spokesperson for the Taiwanese government. “How did we end up being part of this deal? At least we can count on the United States to come to our aid, yes? Yes? Anyone? Hello?”

At publishing time, Putin was reportedly scheduling an additional peace summit with Xi, where he was believed to be planning an entirely peaceful military invasion of the nation of Moldova, while China would conquer the United States.

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