Congress Rules Food Stamps Can Only Be Used On Rutabagas

WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent needless eating among those in poverty, Congress passed legislation Monday that makes it illegal to use food stamps on anything other than rutabagas. “After much tense negotiation, we have settled on providing SNAP recipients with the ability to purchase rutabagas and rutabagas only,” said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), explaining that the rutabagas must be cold and raw and that any cooked rutabagas would not be covered under the program. “It is important to emphasize that this only covers one rutabaga per household per month. Should those on food stamps attempt to buy more rutabagas, they will be prosecuted under the full force of the law. This is actually quite generous when you consider how few rutabagas people in other countries are provided with.” At press time, Congress had reportedly voted to close the rutabaga loophole.