Lazy EPA Tries To Claim They Successfully Brought Dogs Back From Brink Of Extinction

WASHINGTON—Maintaining that the effort definitely happened and anyone who doubted them was probably just jealous, lazy officials at the Environmental Protection Agency claimed Monday that they’d successfully brought dogs back from the brink of extinction. “The truth is, a year ago, Canis familiaris was almost wiped off the face of the planet, and we, uh, worked really hard and brought them back to life,” said EPA administrator Michael Regan, who, while smirking and making eye contact with other members of his team, added that thanks to the agency’s extensive conservation, tracking, and breeding efforts, the species was now stronger than ever. “As of today, there are millions of happy and healthy dogs—including pugs, poodles, bulldogs, golden retrievers, German shepherds, and greyhounds—living all over the world. Anyway, in our opinion, this achievement totally makes up for all the other species that did go extinct this year, and you should definitely give us more money as a result.” At press time, the EPA announced that it had received a $60 million grant from the federal government to bring species including cats, rats, and humans back from extinction.