WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that blood vessels were huge, hideous, and were ruining their legs, the nation’s mothers collectively announced plans Thursday to show you their spider veins. “My god, take a look at these big, disgusting things, they run all up and down—have you ever seen something more disgusting in your life?” said Tanya Golding, who along with tens of millions of other mothers, simultaneously let out a long sigh, lifted the hems of dresses and skirts, pointed at the varicose vessels on their thighs, and asked what the hell they were supposed to do with that. “Oh come on, touch it! It won’t bite. Our legs used to be beautiful. You should have seen us when we were teenagers. But then we went and got pregnant with you all! Just you wait, these spider veins run in the family. Now we can’t even wear capris.” At press time, the nation’s mothers announced that they had signed up for a Groupon that they would split several million ways to reduce the cost of a laser treatment for the spider veins.
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