Despite the popularity of universal free school lunch amongst Americans, many members of Congress are against the initiative. The Onion asked politicians to explain why they oppose free school lunch, and this is what they said.
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Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH)
Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH)
“Maybe they should have thought about that before they were born into a cycle of poverty from which they will never escape.”
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Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R-AR)
Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R-AR)
“I don’t want our children to get hooked on basic human sustenance.”
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Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)
Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)
“There simply isn’t enough coleslaw to go around.”
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Gov. Greg Abbott (R-TX)
Gov. Greg Abbott (R-TX)
“The skinnier they are, the harder it is for them to get shot by their classmates.”
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Rep. Chip Roy (R-TX)
Rep. Chip Roy (R-TX)
“I wouldn’t be doing my job if I wasn’t making the most vulnerable among us needlessly suffer.”
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Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
“We’ve been over this. Kids were only temporarily hungry during Covid. Since the vaccine, they aren’t hungry anymore.”
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Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL)
Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL)
“There’s plenty of outdated textbooks they can eat if they really get hungry.”
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Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV)
Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV)
“How the heck does free lunch help coal barons get richer? By the way, if you find a way to make that connection, I’m all in on free lunch.”
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Rep. Andy Biggs (R-AZ)
Rep. Andy Biggs (R-AZ)
“That’s taxpayer funds that should be going toward my salary.”
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Gov. Brian Kemp (R-GA)
Gov. Brian Kemp (R-GA)
“We can’t keep relying on foreign countries to produce those spindly children with the distended stomachs.”
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Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME)
Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME)
“If they eat lunch, they won’t be hungry enough to come looking for my house made of candy in the woods.”
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Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT)
Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT)
“It’s okay if we don’t feed them in school. If a child dies from starvation, they are fed a feast in heaven.”
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Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL)
Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL)
“It’s a complicated issue. I hear the word ‘free,’ I feel livid. Then I hear the word ‘school,’ and I feel horny.”
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Rep. Jim Banks (R-IN)
Rep. Jim Banks (R-IN)
“So liberals want to cancel child hunger now?”
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Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR)
Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR)
“The only time children should eat for free is if they can win a 72-ounce-porterhouse-steak-eating contest.”
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Rep. Barry Loudermilk (R-GA)
Rep. Barry Loudermilk (R-GA)
“If we give children food, shelter, and attention for free at school, they’re going to start expecting those things at home.”
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Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC)
Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC)
“I just have serious concerns about children eating and getting fat, those dumb fat fucks. Imagine millions of snotty fat disgusting fatty fat children crawling all over the streets, mashing their fat stupid fucking butts all over the nice chairs. Horrible.”
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Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)
Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)
“Suddenly the woke left wants you to believe that children under 18 need to ingest food to survive.”
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Sen. Roger Marshall (R-KS)
Sen. Roger Marshall (R-KS)
“I’ve never eaten lunch a day in my life. I eat three quick breakfast right in succession and no other meals, and look how I turned out.”
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Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ)
Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ)
“I’m trying to help them. There’s all kinds of unregulated chemicals we allow in their food.”
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Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)
“Our children should not have to consume all these woke calories for sustenance.”
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Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
“Because 11 a.m. is dinnertime.”
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Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)
“School lunch should come out of teachers’ salaries.”
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You’ve Made It This Far…
You’ve Made It This Far…
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