FLINT, MI—Calling the dispatches a great way for students to learn what the institution’s former attendees have accomplished since graduation, sources confirmed Tuesday that the Powers Catholic High School’s newsletter provides updates on which alumni are in hell now. “Every monthly bulletin does a couple features on who’s been damned to an eternity of endless suffering,” said alumnus Andrew Douglas, adding that it was always interesting to see what circle of hell everyone was in after all these years and whether their bodies were repeatedly being ripped apart by demons or if they were sentenced to choke on their own excrement in perpetuity. “There are some older friends who I totally fell out of touch with after they finished school, so it’s nice to learn that a few are spending time encased in everlasting flames. The special section is also really helpful for networking if I ever find myself in the third circle for gluttony and need tips on how to best handle being impaled by Beelzebub.” Douglas continued that while there were several former students profiled in every issue, the majority of entries in the “Who’s Who In Hell” portion were the priests.
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