Jason Sudeikis Takes White House Lectern To Drunkenly Rant About How Harry Styles Ruined His Life

WASHINGTON—Slurring his words as he forcefully gestured at reporters with a brown-bagged bottle, actor Jason Sudeikis reportedly took the White House lectern during a press conference on mental healthcare to drunkenly rant about how Harry Styles ruined his life. “Mental health is an important way to get a handle on yourself when a stupid British piece of shit destroys everything you love and rips your heart out of your fucking chest,” the visibly intoxicated actor said Monday, teetering on the edge of the stage and belting out the first few verses of “Watermelon Sugar” as alarmed White House aides attempted to pull the microphone from his hands. “Get your hands off me! I’m Ted Fucking Lasso! Now I want to say something. If that untalented limey son of a bitch is listening, you don’t you hurt her, you hear me? You so much as lay a finger on her and I’ll kill you.” At press time, Sudeikis had reportedly taken a moment to get into character and discuss the value of positivity only to break down and scream that he couldn’t stop picturing them in bed together.