The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Stormy Daniels

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The Onion: “Okay, fair warning: Donald Trump is kind of our friend, so watch what you say in this interview because we will tell him.”

Stormy Daniels: “Fair enough. The last thing I would want to do is make Trump mad at me.”

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The Onion: “Doesn’t answering these questions violate whatever deal you struck?”

Stormy Daniels: “Yes, but the paperwork they had me sign said that anytime I violated the NDA, I would receive another $130,000.”

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The Onion: “Do you think we could get Trump to pay us hush money for not publishing this piece?”

Stormy Daniels: “I would ask Jared and Ivanka, they’re the only ones who care anymore.”

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The Onion: “What parameters did your NDA with Trump specifically have?”

Stormy Daniels: “That I never publicly say that I took his virginity.”

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The Onion: “Were you aware that the hush money payment may violate campaign finance laws?”

Stormy Daniels: “That was Trump’s kink.”

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The Onion: “How many times did Trump’s $130,000 hush money check bounce?”

Stormy Daniels: “Ten times, and he kept trying to offer me Eric Trump instead.”

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The Onion: “What is your greatest regret?”

Stormy Daniels: “Voting for Trump in 2016 and 2020.”

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The Onion: “What’s sex with Trump like?”

Stormy Daniels: “I wish I could say something interesting, but to be honest, it was all very vanilla. Just light vampirism, balloons, public defecation, whipping each other while dressed up like Benny the Bull. That sort of thing.”

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The Onion: “How many pumps?”

Stormy Daniels: “Four and a half.”

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The Onion: “Did he at least buy you dinner first?”

Stormy Daniels: “We dined on fried cod before, during, and after.”

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The Onion: “What does Trump’s penis look like?”

Stormy Daniels: “A perfect sphere.”

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The Onion: “Ballpark, how many nipples have you seen in your life?”

Stormy Daniels: “Probably nine or 10.”

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The Onion: “We’ve always been curious, how does masturbation work?”

Stormy Daniels: “I don’t know if that’s an appropriate question for this interview.”

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The Onion: “How many people do you think are masturbating to this interview right now?”

Stormy Daniels: “Ten or eleven thousand, easy.”

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The Onion: “Remember when you went on SNL?”

Stormy Daniels: “Oh yeah, by far the most shameful and disgusting thing I’ve done on camera.”

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The Onion: “So of course everyone knows you for your Donald Trump impression, but we understand you have many more in your repertoire.”

Stormy Daniels: “Sure do! I do Bob Dylan, Bill Clinton, Christopher Walken, and my favorite one that is kinda niche: Truman Capote.”

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The Onion: “What do you think about Trump asking his supporters to riot in New York City if he’s arrested?”

The Onion: “That just means he’s horny. Once he jerks off, he’ll feel better.”

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The Onion: “Did you ever meet any other members of the Trump family?”

Stormy Daniels: “Barron is my child.”

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The Onion: “Do you still think you’re something of a liberal mascot or have people realized that you’re a registered Republican?”

Stormy Daniels: “Doesn’t matter, I already cashed in on everyone whose politics don’t get any more nuanced than ‘Trump Bad’ years ago.”

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The Onion: “What do you think about Ron DeSantis?”

Stormy Daniels: “Hard pass. I can overlook the fact that he tortured a bunch of Guantanamo inmates and then human trafficked a bunch of immigrants, but come on, the guy got married at Disney World.”

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The Onion: “If Donald Trump A is jerking off from Boston towards Chicago at approximately 134 mph, and Donald Trump B is jerking off from Chicago towards Boston at 108 mph, how long until—”

Stormy Daniels: “I specifically asked not to answer any algebra problems for this interview.”

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The Onion: “What’s next for you?”

Stormy Daniels: “Well, I guess this is as good of a time to share this as any: Donald and I are getting married. Surprise! He proposed last week at Le Bilboquet. I cried and I cried. God, I love him so much.”

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Stormy Daniels

The Onion: “Okay, fair warning: Donald Trump is kind of our friend, so watch what you say in this interview because we will tell him.”

The Onion: “Okay, fair warning: Donald Trump is kind of our friend, so watch what you say in this interview because we will tell him.”

The Onion: “Doesn’t answering these questions violate whatever deal you struck?”

The Onion: “Doesn’t answering these questions violate whatever deal you struck?”

The Onion: “Do you think we could get Trump to pay us hush money for not publishing this piece?”

The Onion: “Do you think we could get Trump to pay us hush money for not publishing this piece?”

The Onion: “What parameters did your NDA with Trump specifically have?”

The Onion: “What parameters did your NDA with Trump specifically have?”

The Onion: “Were you aware that the hush money payment may violate campaign finance laws?”

The Onion: “Were you aware that the hush money payment may violate campaign finance laws?”

The Onion: “How many times did Trump’s $130,000 hush money check bounce?”

The Onion: “How many times did Trump’s $130,000 hush money check bounce?”

The Onion: “What is your greatest regret?”

The Onion: “What is your greatest regret?”

The Onion: “What’s sex with Trump like?”

The Onion: “What’s sex with Trump like?”

The Onion: “How many pumps?”

The Onion: “How many pumps?”

The Onion: “Did he at least buy you dinner first?”

The Onion: “Did he at least buy you dinner first?”

The Onion: “What does Trump’s penis look like?”

The Onion: “What does Trump’s penis look like?”

The Onion: “Ballpark, how many nipples have you seen in your life?”

The Onion: “Ballpark, how many nipples have you seen in your life?”

The Onion: “We’ve always been curious, how does masturbation work?”

The Onion: “We’ve always been curious, how does masturbation work?”

The Onion: “How many people do you think are masturbating to this interview right now?”

The Onion: “How many people do you think are masturbating to this interview right now?”

The Onion: “Remember when you went on SNL?”

The Onion: “Remember when you went on SNL?”

The Onion: “So of course everyone knows you for your Donald Trump impression, but we understand you have many more in your repertoire.”

The Onion: “So of course everyone knows you for your Donald Trump impression, but we understand you have many more in your repertoire.”

The Onion: “What do you think about Trump asking his supporters to riot in New York City if he’s arrested?”

The Onion: “What do you think about Trump asking his supporters to riot in New York City if he’s arrested?”

The Onion: “Did you ever meet any other members of the Trump family?”

The Onion: “Did you ever meet any other members of the Trump family?”

The Onion: “Do you still think you’re something of a liberal mascot or have people realized that you’re a registered Republican?”

The Onion: “Do you still think you’re something of a liberal mascot or have people realized that you’re a registered Republican?”

The Onion: “What do you think about Ron DeSantis?”

The Onion: “What do you think about Ron DeSantis?”

The Onion: “If Donald Trump A is jerking off from Boston towards Chicago at approximately 134 mph, and Donald Trump B is jerking off from Chicago towards Boston at 108 mph, how long until—”

The Onion: “If Donald Trump A is jerking off from Boston towards Chicago at approximately 134 mph, and Donald Trump B is jerking off from Chicago towards Boston at 108 mph, how long until—”

The Onion: “What’s next for you?”

The Onion: “What’s next for you?”

You’ve Made It This Far

You’ve Made It This Far

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