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Trick Questions Cops Ask And How To Respond

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Police often rely on a number of deceptive tactics to obtain incriminating evidence or an unintended confession. The Onion offers this guide to the trick questions cops ask and to the responses one must provide to avoid going to jail.

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Question: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Question: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

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Response: “Because you have a power complex that manifests in arbitrary and cancerous ways.”

Response: “Because you have a power complex that manifests in arbitrary and cancerous ways.”

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Question: “Can I search your car?”

Question: “Can I search your car?”

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Response: “No, thank you, I can do that myself.”

Response: “No, thank you, I can do that myself.”

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Question: “Can we pin this crime you didn’t commit on you?”

Question: “Can we pin this crime you didn’t commit on you?”

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Response: “No, but thank you for asking.”

Response: “No, but thank you for asking.”

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Question: “Why are you resisting?”

Question: “Why are you resisting?”

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Response: “I’m not— Ohhhhh, I see what you’re doing!”

Response: “I’m not— Ohhhhh, I see what you’re doing!”

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Question: “Do I recognize you from somewhere?”

Question: “Do I recognize you from somewhere?”

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Response: Just say the name of any white supremacist group, and you’ll likely get off with a warning.

Response: Just say the name of any white supremacist group, and you’ll likely get off with a warning.

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Question: “Is this your bag of crystal meth?”

Question: “Is this your bag of crystal meth?”

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Response: “No, sir, it’s yours.”

Response: “No, sir, it’s yours.”

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Question: “I’m having a rough day. Can I have a hug?”

Question: “I’m having a rough day. Can I have a hug?”

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Response: The officer will use this as an excuse to claim you assaulted him.

Response: The officer will use this as an excuse to claim you assaulted him.

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Question: “Could you do me a favor and place this bag of coke in your pocket?”

Question: “Could you do me a favor and place this bag of coke in your pocket?”

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Response: Never do a police officer’s job for him.

Response: Never do a police officer’s job for him.

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Question: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Question: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

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Response: “Yes, I was driving exactly 169,344 furlongs per fortnight. Good luck with that conversion rate.”

Response: “Yes, I was driving exactly 169,344 furlongs per fortnight. Good luck with that conversion rate.”

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Question: “Will you help me turn my body cam off?”

Question: “Will you help me turn my body cam off?”

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Response: Laugh and say you’re no good with technology.

Response: Laugh and say you’re no good with technology.

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Question: “Do you like my awesome badge?”

Question: “Do you like my awesome badge?”

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Response: “Yes, you are so cool and strong for being a police man.”

Response: “Yes, you are so cool and strong for being a police man.”

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Question: “Have you been drinking?”

Question: “Have you been drinking?”

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Response: “Have you been drinking?”

Response: “Have you been drinking?”

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Question: “Do you have any idea how much crime you’ve been doing tonight?”

Question: “Do you have any idea how much crime you’ve been doing tonight?”

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Response: “I’ve never heard the word crime before, and I don’t even know what it means.”

Response: “I’ve never heard the word crime before, and I don’t even know what it means.”

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Question: “Could you stop recording me, please? I have body dysmorphia and don’t like the way I appear in photos and videos.”

Question: “Could you stop recording me, please? I have body dysmorphia and don’t like the way I appear in photos and videos.”

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Response: Don’t be a dick. Put down the phone.

Response: Don’t be a dick. Put down the phone.

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Question: “Are you resisting arrest?”

Question: “Are you resisting arrest?”

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Response: “I’m not sure how someone who has been repeatedly tased and is currently being kneeled on by five different officers could possibly be construed as resisting anything, but go ahead and write that on the report if you must.”

Response: “I’m not sure how someone who has been repeatedly tased and is currently being kneeled on by five different officers could possibly be construed as resisting anything, but go ahead and write that on the report if you must.”

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Question: “Where are you going?”

Question: “Where are you going?”

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Response: The cop is merely singing along to your Dave Matthews Band greatest hits CD. The correct response is to harmonize with them.

Response: The cop is merely singing along to your Dave Matthews Band greatest hits CD. The correct response is to harmonize with them.

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Question: “Wop ba-ba lu-mop?”

Question: “Wop ba-ba lu-mop?”

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Response: “A wop bam boom!”

Response: “A wop bam boom!”

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Question: “Guess how much money the state has paid to settle cases with the families of my victims. Come onnnn. It’ll be fun!”

Question: “Guess how much money the state has paid to settle cases with the families of my victims. Come onnnn. It’ll be fun!”

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Response: When in doubt, always guess more than $100 million. Otherwise, you risk offending them.

Response: When in doubt, always guess more than $100 million. Otherwise, you risk offending them.

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Question: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how acquittable do I look?”

Question: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how acquittable do I look?”

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Response: Even if they don’t look acquittable, always tell a cop you think they could get the murder charges dropped and be given just a couple months of desk duty instead.

Response: Even if they don’t look acquittable, always tell a cop you think they could get the murder charges dropped and be given just a couple months of desk duty instead.

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Question: “Is that an Obama ’08 sticker I see on your car?”

Question: “Is that an Obama ’08 sticker I see on your car?”

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Response: “I assure you it’s perfectly ironic, officer.”

Response: “I assure you it’s perfectly ironic, officer.”

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Question: “Why am I being detained?”

Question: “Why am I being detained?”

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Response: “Because the cops don’t run this city anymore. The people do.”

Response: “Because the cops don’t run this city anymore. The people do.”

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Question: “Be honest, could you tell that I was undercover the whole time?”

Question: “Be honest, could you tell that I was undercover the whole time?”

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Response: You might be tempted to be honest here, but always, always, always tell a cop they were super convincing while pretending to be a criminal and nobody thought their clothes, hat, or shoes looked weird.

Response: You might be tempted to be honest here, but always, always, always tell a cop they were super convincing while pretending to be a criminal and nobody thought their clothes, hat, or shoes looked weird.

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Question: “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

Question: “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

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Response: Just accept that this is the closest thing you’ll get to being read your Miranda rights and move on.

Response: Just accept that this is the closest thing you’ll get to being read your Miranda rights and move on.

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The Onion

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