Education Secretary’s Mom Forced To Stay Up All Night Devising Plan To Combat Student Debt

WASHINGTON—Awake until the wee hours of the morning carefully crafting the policy, Education Secretary Miguel Cardona’s mother was forced to stay up all night devising a plan to combat student debt, sources reported Thursday. “Wait, you have to present a comprehensive plan to address the nation’s growing student debt crisis, and it’s due to Congress by tomorrow morning?” said Sarah Cardona, who reportedly rushed to Target before it closed to buy poster board and markers to draft a proposal for forgiving $1.75 trillion in federal student loans. “This is just like the time you told me that you needed millions of subsidized lunches prepared the night before the first day of public school. You always wait until the last minute to construct a framework for expanding opportunities for lower-income Americans, and I’m the one who’s left to figure it out. I’ll help you reinvigorate the national economy by unburdening over 40 million borrowers now, but this is the last time.” At press time, reports confirmed the plan had failed after lawmakers realized Cardona’s mom had done all the work for him.