More Ethical Mouse Trap Convicts Rodents Of Capital Offense Before Sending Them To Electric Chair

LANCASTER, PA—Touting its latest product as the most morally upright way to keep a home free of vermin, pest-control company Victor announced Friday it had released a more ethical mouse trap that convicts rodents of a capital offense before sending them to the electric chair. “In an effort not to infringe upon the due-process rights of mice, this trap proves the mouse is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt before proceeding to electrocute it,” said Victor spokesperson Donna Landry, explaining that when a mouse, lured by a bit of peanut butter or soft cheese, entered the new trap, it would be tried by a jury of its rodent peers, who would then sentence it to death. “You can now rest easy knowing that the mouse you killed was only administered a 2,500-volt shock after it was found to have committed murder, espionage, or treason. We have even taken steps to ensure the trap does not engage until all potential appeals have been exhausted by adorable little mouse lawyers wearing suits and carrying tiny briefcases.” At press time, a power drain in one of Victor’s new ethical traps had resulted in a malfunction that caused a mouse to die slowly and painfully after being cooked alive for three hours.