NEW YORK—Pleading for a little extra time to scroll their “For You” page, the nation asked Friday if it could have just five more minutes on TikTok before Congress banned it. “We just want to finish this four-part video of this woman discussing her terrible date before you take our app away—pretty please?” said Candice Newton, echoing the sentiment of 150 million TikTok users across the United States who promised Congress they would get back to work and stop procrastinating immediately after the ban. “This guy has this really cool video where he runs his guitar through water and it sounds all distorted and weird. You’d really like it. We can send it to you if you want, but if we do, you have to agree to let us keep the app until the end of the day, okay? That’s only fair, right?” At press time, members of Congress reportedly forgot to ban the app after getting distracted by videos of teen girls dancing.
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