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Taylor Swift Fans Explain How They Got Tickets To The Eras Tour

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While over 14 million people attempted to buy Taylor Swift tickets, only 2.4 million were actually sold. The Onion asked Swifties how they managed to snag tickets to the Eras Tour, and this is what they said.

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Shannon Engelhardt, Interior Designer

Shannon Engelhardt, Interior Designer

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“It’s possible I killed someone? I blacked out listening to ‘Shake It Off’ and woke up with two bloody tickets.”

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Scott Swift, Stock Broker

Scott Swift, Stock Broker

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“Since Taylor’s my daughter, she gave me a code that entered me into a lottery that eventually scored me two seats 30 rows apart at $18,000 each.”

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Fred Wilson, Podiatrist

Fred Wilson, Podiatrist

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“My lawyers have advised me not to discuss this pending the outcome of the trial.”

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Jenna Fluman, Actuary

Jenna Fluman, Actuary

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“Oh fuck, I thought I got Sugar Ray tickets. Fuck fuck fuck.”

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Melanie Driggs, Waitress

Melanie Driggs, Waitress

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“So many are dead. So, so many. But I got to hear ‘Cruel Summer’ live, so it was worth it.”

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Haim, Band

Haim, Band

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“Since we’re opening for her, she generously offered to let the three of us split one.”

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Maya Gulati, Public Relations

Maya Gulati, Public Relations

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“I’ve been camping out overnight at Ticketmaster HQ since they announced—when do they drop?”

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Stanley Nagut, Bricklayer

Stanley Nagut, Bricklayer

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“You can get anything from a celebrity if you’ve dug up enough dirt on their powdered heroin addiction.”

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Stephen Tran, Hotel Concierge

Stephen Tran, Hotel Concierge

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Grace Horne, Nurse

Grace Horne, Nurse

Image for article titled Taylor Swift Fans Explain How They Got Tickets To The Eras Tour

“Super fast internet connection, the reflexes of a cat, and a mountain of cocaine.”

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Mike Barro, Long-Haul Trucker

Mike Barro, Long-Haul Trucker

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“Our last Teamsters contract guaranteed a minimum of four Taylor Swift tickets per year, and they have to be floor seats.”

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Ticket Purchasing Bot, Bot

Ticket Purchasing Bot, Bot

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“Just logged on to Ticketmaster, waited my turn, and purchased every single ticket fair and square.”

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Cynthia Cobb, Nurse

Cynthia Cobb, Nurse

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“I’ve been sleeping in Allegiant Stadium since the tour was announced last November.”

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Michael Rapino, CEO of Live Nation Entertainment

Michael Rapino, CEO of Live Nation Entertainment

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“It was pretty easy, actually.”

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Teresa Callahan, Metaphysical Shop Owner

Teresa Callahan, Metaphysical Shop Owner

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“My coven amped up the blood rituals ahead of the presale.”

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Linda Booker, Teacher

Linda Booker, Teacher

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“There’s a lot you can get with Austin Swift’s severed pinky.”

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Emma Strauss, Designer

Emma Strauss, Designer

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“I’ll grab tickets in a couple of weeks if it starts looking like people are really interested in seeing her.”

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Gregg Kanter, Attorney

Gregg Kanter, Attorney

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“May God forgive me for what I have done.”

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You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…

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The Onion

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