While over 14 million people attempted to buy Taylor Swift tickets, only 2.4 million were actually sold. The Onion asked Swifties how they managed to snag tickets to the Eras Tour, and this is what they said.
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Shannon Engelhardt, Interior Designer
Shannon Engelhardt, Interior Designer
“It’s possible I killed someone? I blacked out listening to ‘Shake It Off’ and woke up with two bloody tickets.”
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Scott Swift, Stock Broker
Scott Swift, Stock Broker
“Since Taylor’s my daughter, she gave me a code that entered me into a lottery that eventually scored me two seats 30 rows apart at $18,000 each.”
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Fred Wilson, Podiatrist
Fred Wilson, Podiatrist
“My lawyers have advised me not to discuss this pending the outcome of the trial.”
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Jenna Fluman, Actuary
Jenna Fluman, Actuary
“Oh fuck, I thought I got Sugar Ray tickets. Fuck fuck fuck.”
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Melanie Driggs, Waitress
Melanie Driggs, Waitress
“So many are dead. So, so many. But I got to hear ‘Cruel Summer’ live, so it was worth it.”
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Haim, Band
Haim, Band
“Since we’re opening for her, she generously offered to let the three of us split one.”
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Maya Gulati, Public Relations
Maya Gulati, Public Relations
“I’ve been camping out overnight at Ticketmaster HQ since they announced—when do they drop?”
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Stanley Nagut, Bricklayer
Stanley Nagut, Bricklayer
“You can get anything from a celebrity if you’ve dug up enough dirt on their powdered heroin addiction.”
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Stephen Tran, Hotel Concierge
Stephen Tran, Hotel Concierge
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Grace Horne, Nurse
Grace Horne, Nurse
“Super fast internet connection, the reflexes of a cat, and a mountain of cocaine.”
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Mike Barro, Long-Haul Trucker
Mike Barro, Long-Haul Trucker
“Our last Teamsters contract guaranteed a minimum of four Taylor Swift tickets per year, and they have to be floor seats.”
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Ticket Purchasing Bot, Bot
Ticket Purchasing Bot, Bot
“Just logged on to Ticketmaster, waited my turn, and purchased every single ticket fair and square.”
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Cynthia Cobb, Nurse
Cynthia Cobb, Nurse
“I’ve been sleeping in Allegiant Stadium since the tour was announced last November.”
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Michael Rapino, CEO of Live Nation Entertainment
Michael Rapino, CEO of Live Nation Entertainment
“It was pretty easy, actually.”
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Teresa Callahan, Metaphysical Shop Owner
Teresa Callahan, Metaphysical Shop Owner
“My coven amped up the blood rituals ahead of the presale.”
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Linda Booker, Teacher
Linda Booker, Teacher
“There’s a lot you can get with Austin Swift’s severed pinky.”
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Emma Strauss, Designer
Emma Strauss, Designer
“I’ll grab tickets in a couple of weeks if it starts looking like people are really interested in seeing her.”
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Gregg Kanter, Attorney
Gregg Kanter, Attorney
“May God forgive me for what I have done.”
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You’ve Made It This Far…
You’ve Made It This Far…
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