Conservatives Define What ‘Woke’ Means To Them

“Say, hypothetically, anything at all goes wrong with your life. That’s woke.”

“Firing people just for showing the intern at work your penis.”

“It’s when you’re forced to celebrate Martin Luther King’s birthday, but you don’t get any cake or ice cream.”

“Whatever it is, we need another few hundred op-eds to nail it down.”

“It’s not that hard. It’s about acknowledging that systems have been used to oppress minorities and taking an interest in how those systems can be bettered to improve lives for everyone. I know that. I’m not stupid. I just hate minorities.”

“Woke means knowing that all that stands between you and the body you want is a miracle bottle of raspberry ketones.”

“Academically speaking, it is the radical process in which the Little Mermaid becomes black.”

“It’s the word that keeps a couple million rage junkies watching my show every night.”

“’I tend not to use that word because it has anti-Black connotations and omits the crimes of Jews.”

“Woke is when someone changes anything for literally any reason.”

“It’s when Charmin attacks my values by implying that lesbians also use toilet paper.”

“The terrifying erosion of Western cultural values and education that makes someone like me seem like an intellectual.”

“Wokeness had Biden decide to tackle extremism in the military with an equity plan. It’s what made young men and women in uniform realize they are government pawns—they aren’t supposed to know that.”

“Whatever I’m currently terrified of or masturbating to.”

“I don’t know what it is, and we’ll never have to find out if we destroy it.”

“Just a little term I use to brush things off when I don’t feel like thinking critically.”

“Hey, I’m just grateful to have something to be scared of.”

“That’s such a trans question to ask.”