Couple Looking For Smaller Church But Also One Large Enough That No One Notices When They Aren’t There

SPRINGFIELD, MO — A local couple faced a difficult challenge this week after deciding to find a new church, with the goal of finding a smaller church but one that is still large enough that no one there will notice if the couple isn’t in attendance.

“We really want a small, close-knit community of believers around us,” Joe Jenkins said. “But we definitely want to be able to skip out on Sunday services without anybody calling or texting us to check on us. So yeah, it’s a balancing act. We want people involved in our lives, but not all up in our business.”

Joe’s wife, Mary, echoed his sentiments. “Having a church family we can really grow deep with and ‘do life together’ with is a priority,” she said. “But not to the point where it gets weird. We want ‘close’ but not ‘super close.’ Ya know? Is that too hard to ask?”

The couple had put together a helpful checklist of other important things they were looking for in a new church body, including a vibrant children’s ministry, a gourmet coffee shop located within the church building itself, a worship band that performs with flawless precision at all times, and other vital factors. “That stuff is all really important to us in a church,” Joe said. “But if the people there want to talk to us on days other than Sunday? Yeah, that’s a little too much. No thanks!”

At publishing time, Joe and Mary had reportedly found a perfect church but promptly ruined its perfection by becoming members.

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Babylon Bee