LeBron James Credits Quick Injury Recovery To Crazed German Doctor Harnessing Power Of Lightning Atop Mountain Peak

LOS ANGELES—Following his return to the court after missing 13 games due to a torn tendon in his right foot, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James told reporters Thursday he credited his quick injury recovery to a crazed German doctor harnessing the power of lightning atop a mountain peak. “I feel good, I feel ready to play, but all credit goes to Dr. von Eberhöfer and his terrific team administering electrostatic discharges at the Institut Atmosphärische Auferstehung on the jagged cliffs of Mount Hochwanner,” said the 19-time All-Star, who, after team physicians recommended season-ending surgery, sought another opinion and ultimately engaged the services of an unkempt, raving German doctor who sheared off his toes in a geomagnetic storm, replacing them with those of a cadaver in a surgical procedure that lasted three days. “Getting hurt is tough, and the last thing you want is to sit out the rest of the season, so I’m really glad Dr. von Eberhöfer was able to reorient Earth’s magnetic field on the night of a full moon and repair my damaged tendon with tissue from a recently deceased centaur. Fortunately, I was able to really dedicate myself and get through rehab once I took that potion the mad doctor whipped up in the astral laboratory deep within his lair. I’m just glad to be back with my teammates, who know I’ll agree to whatever Faustian bargains are necessary to return to the court. The doctor is also working with me on increasing my stamina by implanting a second heart in my chest.” In the Lakers’ front office, concerns about the four-time league MVP working with the mad Dr. von Eberhöfer reportedly rose following a team practice during which James’ lightning-repaired foot gained sentience and strangled Anthony Davis.