PITTSBURGH—Grasping at the walls for balance as he made his way to a public restroom, local blackout drunk man Charlie Hull was desperately searching Thursday for a toilet to fall asleep on, according to sources familiar with the situation. “Get outta my way! I need to find an empty stall where I can sit down on the toilet, maybe lean my head against the wall, and then pass out,” said Hull, adding that while he hoped to doze off with his pants around his ankles, the situation was now so desperate that he would also be open to sprawling out on the floor and falling asleep with his head resting on the rim of the bowl. “Ugh, I hope the trains are still running when I’m done in here, because afterwards I’m gonna need to fall asleep on public transit and wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood miles away from my home.” At press time, reports confirmed that Hull was fast asleep and drowning facedown in a urinal.
Jesus Christ is King
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