Politicians Explain Why Abortion Pills Should Be Banned

“I’m sure Leviticus said something about mifepristone.”

“I don’t think of myself as a ‘politician,’ actually. But, yeah, these pills should definitely be banned, and I’ll do so at the first opportunity.”

“If there’s a pill, what’s the point of deliberately making abortion terrifyingly dangerous?”

“Pills are generally taken orally, and the thought of women’s lewd, plump lips opening and closing fills me with an unspeakable dread.”

“If I don’t take the most extreme position possible, our rabid base voters will shred my body like wrapping paper.”

“People shouldn’t be able to murder children so easily. They should be required to put some effort into it: buying a gun, loading the ammunition, writing a manifesto, driving to a school, and so on.”

“I communed with God, and he said miscarriage management should be as complex and traumatic as possible.”

“Women don’t know how to take medicine, and they shouldn’t start now.”

“I actually support a woman’s right to chose. Specifically, me choosing whatever is most politically expedient in the moment.”

“A woman’s throat is simply too delicate and dainty to be able to swallow a pill.”

“Abortion is healthcare, so Americans have no right to it.”

“They are highly ineffective. I took one last year and yet Don Jr. still comes around.”

“I can’t fucking stand kids. But if I had to have them, other people should, too.”

“Because they’re an excellent issue to campaign on.”

“My mother had an abortion when she was pregnant with me, and I vowed right then and there to make sure no other child suffered the same fate.”

“I’ve taken a lot of donations from my state’s baby herders and as such am obligated to protect their interests.”

“The line at CVS is already too goddamn long.”

“It’s murder. And not the good kind.”