‘Succession’ Season 4: The Onion’s Predictions For The Final Season

HBO drama Succession kicked off its hotly anticipated fourth and final season on Sunday, and The Onion’s team of indentured television experts convened to predict what will happen over the show’s final episodes.

• Reeseman and the Tank, the estranged Roy cousins who work as radio hosts, come for their inheritance.
• Some characters occasionally utter a profane word or two.
• Roman makes good on his promise to furiously jerk off.
• Helicopters finally get some screen time.
• Logan asexually conceives a baby and bequeaths his entire empire to her before dying in childbirth.
• Haunting opening-credits piano theme replaced by Deep Blue Something’s “Breakfast At Tiffany’s.”
• A few dozen more waitstaff deaths.
• Waystar Royco shareholders receive a nominal annualized return of 3.2%.
• Roy children appear on a PBS Finding Your Roots episode and find out Logan isn’t their biological father.
• HBO deletes the entire series off of HBO Max the day after the finale airs.