ONTARIO, CA—Muttering “Shit, where is it, shit” while frustratedly pulling out miscellaneous objects, local woman Alice Wallen asked the person attacking her Thursday for 30 more seconds so she could dig the pepper spray out of her bag. “Hold on, sorry, I know you really want to steal my phone, purse, and wallet, but if you just give me a little more time, I know I can find my Mace,” said Wallen, who added that he could resume attempting to mug her the second she could figure out which weird pocket in her purse her only mode of self-defense was hiding. “Okay, let’s see, we’ve got car keys, hand sanitizer, several pads, a pocket-sized packet of tissues, some coins, an old granola bar. God, where is it? You know what, here. I’m going to dump my purse onto the ground, and you hold up my phone flashlight. Boom, there it is! Now hold on while I spray you in the eyes.” At press time, sources confirmed Wallen had decided to give her attacker 30 more seconds after he couldn’t find his gun anywhere in his pockets.
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