PALM BEACH, FL—Pushing a hastily packed steamer trunk filled with clothes and money aboard his yacht before setting sail for the open seas, a desperate Donald Trump reportedly fled Friday for the remote island of Manhattan. “It’ll be a long journey—almost 10 days, by my count—but they’ll never think to look for me somewhere as far-flung as Manhattan,” said the former president, whose attempt to evade the authorities reportedly hinged on his hope that he would be entirely out of U.S. jurisdiction the moment he set foot on the pristine sand of the island’s beach. “Hell, the locals there probably don’t even read the news. Once I get a little sun and a few of the island’s delicacies in me, I bet I won’t even be worrying about this little indictment.” At press time, Trump was reportedly speculating that upon his arrival, he would be greeted as a savior by the island’s chieftain and allowed to marry his beautiful daughter.
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