NFL Owners Announce Secret Meeting To Make Sure They Aren’t Colluding Against Lamar Jackson

PHOENIX—In an effort to investigate claims that they were conspiring to suppress the market for the Baltimore Ravens quarterback, NFL owners announced Friday that they had held a secret meeting to make sure they weren’t colluding against Lamar Jackson.“We had a big clandestine gathering where all 32 of us completely agreed that there’s no collusion, so there you have it,” said Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, clarifying that owners were quite concerned after hearing rumors that they illegally collaborated to prevent any team from offering a large, guaranteed contract to Jackson, on whom the Baltimore Ravens placed a nonexclusive franchise tag in early March. “This is a group of 32 guys who are very above board and do everything by the book, in our businesses as well as in our team ownership, so we were deeply saddened by the suggestion that we might be up to something nefarious. We could hardly get through 18 holes of golf together, we were so shocked. But we decided that the only way to nip this thing in the bud was to hold a secret meeting closed to the press and hash it out. At this meeting, we came to the unanimous conclusion that it’s laughable to think we’d collude against Jackson, or any player, just to save ourselves money by preventing former league MVPs from receiving large contracts from quarterback-needy teams. We resolved not to leave until all 32 of us were in total agreement that it’s simply ridiculous.” At press time, the NFL owners announced they would address concerns that their previous secret meeting about collusion resulted in further collusion by holding another secret meeting to make sure that it didn’t.