VANCOUVER – The paleontology world is abuzz this week following the release of a new study which concludes that the tyrannosaurus rex, a massive bipedal carnivore that went extinct 66 million years ago, possessed soft, smoochable lips in addition to their absolute dump truck behinds.
“It’s always been hypothesized that T-Rexes had ample junk in the trunk and a toothy grin, but aided by advanced computer modeling we can now conclusively say that they were indeed bottom-heavy sweeties with generous, lippy smiles,” said Dr. John Mendez, head of Cretaceous Studies at the Royal Vancouver Museum.
“While it’s common to depict T-Rexes as vicious predators with a mouth full of exposed teeth similar to that of an alligator or crocodile, our modeling suggests they actually would have been excellent kissers with a highly squeezable ass, if their tiny arms hadn’t precluded the possibility of T-Rex-on-T-Rex ass squeezing.”
The findings of the study are controversial, with many in paleontological circles questioning both the methodology of the computer modeling and whether or not having lips would have made the T-Rex good kissers.
“Frankly, I think my esteemed colleagues have made conclusions here that are not supported by the evidence we’ve found so far in the fossil record,” said Dr. Janet Smith, Dean of Paleontology at the University of Vancouver. “Just because something has lips doesn’t make it kissable, and just because something has a large caboose does not mean that said caboose is aesthetically pleasing. Also, given its diet and inability to brush its own teeth, the T-Rex probably had terrible breath.”
“Obviously, the T-Rex is still quite sexy because of its height and swagger, but it’s simply poor science to let that blind us to its faults.”
In related news, behavioural paleontologists have recently uncovered indisputable fossil evidence that proves brachiosaurs were absolute assholes, just the worst.
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