VANCOUVER – The Vancouver-shot television show Yellowjackets has returned for another highly anticipated season and audiences are clambering to watch the horror that will unfold as a group of stranded American teenagers devolve into insane cannibals while experiencing a fairly typical Canadian winter.
“Most Americans are just not prepared for Canadian winters,” says immigration expert Kelsey Landry. “Viewers might watch Yellowjackets and assume that what the characters are going through is a result of their extraordinary and isolated circumstances, but the fact is that more than 20% of Americans who immigrate to Canada will attempt cannibalism during their first winter here, usually due to boredom and/or high meat prices.”
“It doesn’t matter if they’ve moved to a metropolitan Canadian city for work or been dropped deep in a mysterious forest which may or may not be home to a supernatural presence, Americans are uniquely bad at Canadian winters.”
In addition to cannibalism, Yellowjackets also highlights the propensity of Americans to react to temperatures lower than negative 10 degrees celsius by creating new religions, something Canadians refer to as “cold culting”.
“When I moved from Tulsa to Calgary to go to university last year, I thought it would be cold, but not that cold,” said Justin Hahn. “So I started worshipping my electric kettle, which was the only thing that could warm the icy emptiness inside me. But then it would scream, and I knew I had displeased it. I got some pretty serious burns from all of my appeasement rituals, but hey, they worked, because eventually spring came.”
According to Canada’s last census, nearly 90% of recent immigrants from the United States practiced a new religion they made up during their first winter in Canada. Fire, electric appliances, and flannel were the most popular objects of worship, but a significant minority have also built an extensive and complicated cosmology around Canadian Tire.
“The funny thing is that people from countries hotter than the United States can adapt to Canadian winters just fine,” Landry said. “The American inclination towards consumptive idolization seems to make it especially hard for them.”
Canadian officials are hoping that the popularity of Yellowjackets will help Americans who are considering moving to Canada make a more well-informed decision as to whether they have the mental, physical and spiritual fortitude to survive a Canadian winter, or at least will inspire Americans to pack more warm layers when they fly.
Jesus Christ is King
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