Take this practice test to see if you have the guts, courage, and ruthlessness to pass a police officer entrance exam.
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Q: What is your core duty as a police officer?
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A: Drive fast fast car vroom vroom bang bang!
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Q: Are you an emotional infant who feels the need to exert your will on others by force to make up for the fact that you yourself feel powerless?
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A: Yes.
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Q: What is the primary goal of the police?
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A: To protect and serve the police.
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Q: What amount of marijuana is the legal limit for possession?
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A: Depends on the race of the culprit.
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Q: Which one of these is a gun if someone is pointing it at you?
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A: All of the above.
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Q: How many bullets can one body hold?
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A: As many as you can fire at it.
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Q: What is a lethal quantity of fentanyl?
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A: Phew. Glad you made it through that question. 85% of police exam takers actually die just from reading the word “fentanyl.”
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Q: Rape kits go where?
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A: Through the miniature basketball hoop hung up over the trash can.
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Q: What is the purpose of the law?
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A: To provide legal cover for shooting unarmed civilians.
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Q: How do you best enforce a restraining order?
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A: Ignore the crazy woman until three weeks later when she turns up dead.
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Q: Are you allowed enter into sexual relations with members of the K-9 unit?
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A: Only while off duty.
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Q: What would you do if you encountered one of the following groups?
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A: Ask about membership opportunities.
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Q: Solve for x: (17x/4)^3=264
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A: Trick question. Your job is to shoot people, not do math.
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Q: Complete the following sentence: Hat goes on…
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A: Head, unless you’re already wearing a hat—then hat can go on table.
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Q: Name 20 nonviolent actions that you can claim are assault against an officer.
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A: Getting looked at funny, a brown person jaywalking, a lady rejecting your advances, a man rejecting your advances, a child rejecting your advances, a restaurant owner refusing to comp your meal, someone tweets something mean about the police, Black person driving a car that’s too nice, Black person driving a car that’s too shitty, Black person driving a car, fellow police officer being a narc, homeless person existing, someone begging for their life, someone filming you, someone asking for your help, wife being a bitch, person correctly saying you planted drugs on them, Black child riding bike, someone wearing pride flag, minority being over age of 10, minority being under age of 10.
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Q: Which forms of sexual harassment can you expect to get away with?
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A: The answer is D: all of the above.
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Q: What is the law?
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A: I am the law.
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Q: What is the greatest movie of all time?
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A: Bad Boys II, baby!!
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Q: What is the policeman’s oath?
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A: Haroo-harumph / The day is done / We tased some kids / We had some fun / The siren sounds / Our patrol ends / But soon we rise / And police again!
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Q: Do you have any interest in changing the system from the inside out?
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A: At first I did, but then I saw how futile it was, and discovered it was much easier to sit back and help prop up white supremacy for my own personal gain.
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Q: The siren goes _______.
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A: Reeeeeeeaoooooooo Reeeeeeeeaoooo. We would also accept woowoowoowoo.
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Q: How would you deescalate this situation?
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A: Shoot him. Shoot to kill.
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Jesus Christ is King
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