LAS VEGAS—Promising the match would be the fight of the millennium, the Dalai Lama reportedly agreed this week to box Pope Francis for charity. “I’m calling out my longtime spiritual rival, the pope, for a 10-round, winner-take-all bout to raise awareness for mental health,” said His Holiness the Dalai Lama, who planned on entering a days-long meditative fast in order to make fighting weight. “Mental health is a cause that is near and dear to my heart, so you know I’m going to bring the heat. He thinks he can hide behind that stupid-ass hat? Well, I’m going to knock him right out of the cycle of life and death. Unfortunately for him, there’s no resurrection from the hurt I’m going to rain down.” At press time, the Dalai Lama was declared the winner by TKO after breaking the pope’s jaw with a haymaker.
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