Following his arrest in Manhattan on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records, former President Donald Trump has made a number of provocative remarks. The Onion examines the most inflammatory things Trump has said since being indicted.
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“I call on all my supporters to protest this unfair indictment by making one origami crane and letting it float down the nearest river.”
Supporters were baffled and slightly disappointed by the former president’s request for this gentle act of protest.
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“The Confederate flag is poorly designed.”
Careful with the base, there, Donny.
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“I cannot be indicted because I’m only 5 years old.”
Trump has maintained he was born in 2018.
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“Getting arrested actually feels pretty dehumanizing.”
Prominent people aren’t supposed to say things like this, because people might actually listen to them.
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“My middle name is John.”
Disgusting.
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“I begged the crooked Democrats to take Eric or Don Jr., but they WOULD NOT LISTEN.”
Although two for one seemed like a fair trade, the Manhattan district attorney apparently did not agree.
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“If I’m not beaten to death in prison, then there is no justice left in America.”
There is no justice left regardless.
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“CNN and NBC could use a few more reporters breathlessly covering this story.”
This is an insult to the thousands of hardworking reporters who have appeared on these networks covering this story over the past several days.
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“I made some artisanal pickles from scratch. Would you like to try one?”
Um, not without seeing your certification in proper canning methods for safe and effective food preservation, Mr. President.
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“My baby! Not my baby!”
Shrieked while standing at the top of a flight of stairs as a stroller holding Barron rolled down toward the busy street.
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“The POLITICALLY MOTIVATED authorities are trying to make me KISS A DUCK!”
No one is trying to make him do this.
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“This is a witch hunt by the fairly obvious public coordination of various law enforcement agencies.”
He meant Deep State, and seems to have simply misspoke.
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“If I am arrested, one of the 73 replicas in the Mar-a-Lago basement will simply be awakened.”
He shouldn’t have mentioned this.
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“Jews control the synagogues.”
While technically true, his tone wasn’t great.
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“Kathy Griffin cut my head off again.”
This is what Trump says to Barron whenever Barron wants to hang out.
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“Mamma mia!”
Trump said this after dropping his calzone.
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“Trump is the best. Big Trump. Strong Trump. Trump eat the moon and punch the sun. Trump has most best penis of all the men in the world.”
With statements like this, some have become concerned that Trump may be a narcissist.
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“The Bends was better than OK Computer.”
While The Bends may include many great songs, as a composed album it doesn’t even come close to reaching the artistic highs of OK Computer.
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“Glub glub glub. Glub glub glub glub glub.”
The former president should have consulted with his lawyer before he ballooned out his cheeks and tried to imitate a clown fish in the fish tank on his desk.
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“I have never done anything illegal in my life.”
Then what was he doing as president? Illegal things are what the voters elected him to do.
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“Beatlemania!”
Shouted at the moment of climax.
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“The majority of African Americans in this country would identify as Christian, but as history reveals, the origins of Black Christianity within America has its roots primarily in African slaves being converted by white Christian missionaries. While of course enslaved people would relate to the story of Moses and the Israelites’ delivery from bondage, the Westernized understanding of Christianity allowed it to become a vehicle for the perpetuation of white supremacy, causing Blacks to be indoctrinated into what Nietzsche referred to as “the slave religion.” Regardless of the promotion of racial equity through community that the Black church has historically offered within this country, with the ideological shortcomings of American Christianity, there is no doubt in my mind that the Black community would do better to progress in a more holistic fashion by finally shedding this faith.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did he say “Blacks”? Yeesh.
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“Alvin Bragg is a butterface.”
Alvin Bragg is a certified cutie pie.
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“Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin’ everywhere.”
Uttered right as the nation finally got a different song stuck in their heads.
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“Animal crackers in my soup, monkeys and rabbits loop the loop.”
Animal crackers in soup sounds gross.
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