Researchers Clarify Health Warnings Against Too Much Exercise Only Relevant To, Like, 6 Or 7 Americans Tops

HOUSTON—Stressing that in no way did the advisory apply to more than at most a “handful of freaks,” researchers at Rice University issued a report Tuesday clarifying that health warnings against too much exercise are only relevant to, like, 6 or 7 people. “Yeah, when we said it was possible to overdo exercise, we weren’t talking about you,” said report author Stacey Alvarez, noting that she was not sure where millions of Americans had gotten the idea that overexercising was a problem that might apply to them, when there wasn’t a chance in hell they were engaging in physical activity more than three days a week. “If you’re reading this, there is absolutely no chance you’re exercising too much, trust us—unless you’re reading this while doing an Ironman. But are you doing an Ironman right now? Yeah, probably not. You’re probably reading this on the sofa, you fucking slug. ” At press time, the report demanded that you drop and give it 20 right now.