Stranger Whose Unachieved Athletic Goals Will Ruin Pickup Game Calls Next

FORT WAYNE, IN—In a move that would completely derail the contest through a toxic combination of resentment and hubris, a stranger whose unachieved athletic goals would ruin a pickup game at a local community basketball court Wednesday reportedly called next. “I got next game,” said the newcomer standing at the edge of the court, whose deep-seated bitterness toward his own inability to succeed at even the high school basketball level—subsequently nurtured through a frustrated decade of poor showings in multiple community sports leagues, including flag football and indoor soccer—was about to devastate the heretofore fun, relaxed game atmosphere through a combination of ridiculous foul calls and constant shouted demands to pass him the ball. “Can you guys hurry up? You’re not the only ones here who want to ball.” At press time, the man whose long-dashed dreams of dominating in the NBA were completely out of step with his lived reality of being picked last for basketball in gym class, and who would render the once-enjoyable pickup game completely unplayable within minutes, was being cheerfully invited onto the court.