Allergists Recommend Allergy Sufferers Retreat Underground To Form Pollen-Free, Cave-Dwelling Society

MILWAUKEE—Calling the measure “the only way” to prevent serious symptoms, the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology issued a report Thursday recommending that allergy sufferers retreat underground to form a pollen-free, cave-dwelling society. “Freedom from pain, freedom from pollen, freedom from itching and sneezing and coughing lies closer than you think, for it is right beneath our feet,” said report author Dr. Adam Doyle, who gestured toward the ground, urging the millions of Americans with allergic rhinitis to “pick up a shovel and start digging.” “Below this cursed green earth, we will build a new world where there is no such thing as inflammation. Our subterranean empire will flourish and our children will breathe free. There will be no pets, no trees, no spring, no seasons—just dirt, beautiful dirt. Hopefully you’re not allergic to dirt.” At press time, Doyle added that going blind from perpetual darkness was a small price to pay for clear sinuses.