Baltimore Archdiocese Passes Around Collection Plate For Victims To Take Settlement From

BALTIMORE—Saying even a small amount could make a difference if it helped end the sprawling investigation into the church’s misdeeds, priests from the Archdiocese of Baltimore reportedly passed around collection plates Thursday from which sexual abuse victims could take their settlements. “Please, my children, keep moving the collection plate along and take whatever you need to ensure your silence,” said Archbishop William E. Lori, addressing churchgoers as he stressed that an amount as small as five, 10, or 20 dollars could be enough if it quieted the hundreds of molestation allegations directed at the Archdiocese. “Anything that might help to alleviate our legal jeopardy is appreciated. Just don’t be greedy. It’s on the honor system, so if you did any molesting yourself, please drop some spare change in.” At press time, Archbishop Lori had asked any victims with heavy hearts to join him in the confession booth where they could unburden themselves by signing a nondisclosure agreement.