Historical Texts Reveal Jesus Hid Out In Tomb For Few Extra Days While Abuse Scandal Blew Over

ANTAKYA, TURKEY—Adding previously unknown context to the biblical story of Easter, the text of a newly discovered first-century papyrus scroll released to the public Thursday suggests that Jesus hid out in His tomb for a few extra days while an abuse scandal within His ministry blew over. “If I can just cool My heels for three days or so, people will move on to other things and forget about this,” Jesus is recorded as saying in the text, which is written in the same Koine Greek as the gospels and which describes allegations of child sexual abuse among the 12 apostles that surfaced shortly before what the Bible describes as the death and resurrection of Christ. “Someone will cover this up, and I’ll rise again. This is really bad, though. The scroll listing all the victims is, like, 20 feet long. Seriously, how did so many of My disciples turn out to be pedophiles?” The account went on to include several drafts of a statement Jesus attempted to prepare that would acknowledge what had happened without implying He had any knowledge of it.