Supreme Court Justices All Reading About Clarence Thomas Corruption Allegations From Different Mediterranean Yachts

THE MEDITERRANEAN SEA—On the heels of a damning report detailing how Clarence Thomas accepted millions of dollars in lavish, unreported vacations from a Republican megadonor, sources confirmed Thursday that every justice on the U.S. Supreme Court read about the corruption allegations from different Mediterranean yachts. According to reports, all nine Supreme Court justices, including Clarence Thomas himself, were simultaneously sunbathing on private boat decks off the coasts of Italy, Spain, Greece, or Croatia when the news broke, at which point they viewed their phones and spit out $700 worth of champagne, beluga caviar toast, or uni shooters directly into the ocean. After ripping off their sunglasses, throwing them on the ground, and stomping on them until they broke, witnesses confirmed that the justices—including John Roberts, Samuel Alito, Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan, Neil M. Gorsuch, Brett M. Kavanaugh, Amy Coney Barrett, and Ketanji Brown Jackson—all shrugged, covered their eyes with cucumbers, and asked their respective young, attractive attendants to bring a hot towel. At press time, every single Supreme Court justice had told their assistants to hold their calls because they would need the next several hours for a Malaysian masseuse to work out all the knots in their backs that the Thomas report had caused.