GARY, IN—Asserting that the jurist had shown clear ethical lapses in accepting lavish gifts and globe-trotting trips from Republican megadonor Harlan Crow, the Supreme Court reportedly dispatched Justice Clarence Thomas on a disciplinary trip to Gary, IN Friday. “The associate justice displayed evident poor judgment in not disclosing his numerous trips to Indonesia and Bohemian Grove, and will now receive an all-expenses-paid punitive trip to Gary,” read a statement released by the Supreme Court, stressing that during the weekend getaway to the Rust Belt city, Thomas would make amends for his actions by drinking a glass of Gary’s tap water and visiting the historic downtown’s Aquatorium. “Justice Thomas and his wife Ginny will share a room at a rundown Motel 6 and dine at an all-you-can-eat buffet called Chinese Wall. In addition, Justice Thomas will hopefully get a chance to reflect on the damage he’s done to the Supreme Court’s reputation while he’s sitting in the saddest strip club in the country. He will not be allowed to visit Michael Jackson’s family home. May this serve as a warning to all future Supreme Court justices.” At press time, sources confirmed Justice Thomas had died of an apparent fentanyl overdose.
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