Man Assuming He One Of Those People Whose Leadership Qualities Emerge In Crisis

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Suggesting that he must possess all kinds of useful traits that would lie dormant until the right occasion presented itself, local man Ken Pearson told reporters Friday that he must be one of those people whose leadership qualities would only emerge in a crisis. “I’m assuming that if the shit ever hit the fan, I’d snap into action and take control of the situation,” said the 34-year-old database administrator with no emergency management experience, survival skills, knowledge of first aid, or clear understanding of how to operate a fire extinguisher. “Now, it just so happens that I’ve never been thrust into a scenario like that. But if, God forbid, there were a building collapse, a devastating flood, or a mass shooting, I’d definitely be the one people would look to for guidance—the one who would do whatever needed to be done to make sure we all got out of there alive. Even if there were some kind of horrible post-apocalyptic scenario and people had to live off the grid for months or years, I’d probably become the de facto leader of a small band of survivors. I’m pretty sure I could escape from prison, too.” At press time, sources confirmed Pearson had pissed his pants at work after a fire drill was conducted in his office building.