Nation’s White Liberals Announce They Have Successfully Completed Listening

WASHINGTON—With the time they had set aside to reflect upon the plights of marginalized groups having elapsed, the nation’s white liberals gathered Friday to announce they had successfully completed listening. “We are pleased to report that after a designated period of remaining attentive, nodding, and saying things like ‘Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way,’ we are done,” said white liberal spokesperson Elizabeth Rodgers, adding that the struggles of those who face systemic injustice on a daily basis had been thought about, and that left-leaning Americans of European descent were grateful for the opportunity to have accomplished empathy. “Truly, this has been a gift to us. If you are disenfranchised, if you are oppressed, know that we hear you—and that we won’t be hearing you anymore.” The nation’s white liberals went on to state that it was their turn to talk, and they would be talking about Love Island.