Family Argues Over Who Should Get Dead Relative’s Identity

MINNEAPOLIS—Giving way to pettiness and bickering in the wake of the passing of a beloved relative, a local family reportedly argued Monday over who should get the dead woman’s identity. “I was there taking care of Aunt Clarissa until the end, and she would want me to be the one to open up credit cards in her name,” said Jennifer Vasquez, embroiled in a heated debate amongst her family members and arguing that the matter was open to discussion because their aunt had never specified who got to keep her identity in her will. “I know she said her boyfriend Walter could have it, but it should stay in the family. Steven acts like he wants it, but you all know that as soon as he gets a chance, he’ll just sell it online. Jamie already got Uncle Tommy’s identity after he died, and it’s not fair if she gets to have two!” At press time, sources reported the family had agreed to take turns committing fraud with the identity.