TOLEDO, OH—Expressing revulsion after wolfing down the “nasty-ass treat,” local man Kurt Nelson told reporters Monday that he regretted eating what he thought was a Peep. “It seemed warm and gooey at first, but then I started to notice the gross crunchy bits,” said Nelson, explaining that his stomach ached badly after eating over a dozen of the imposter Peeps. “Now I feel stupid for trying to stick four in my mouth at the same time. But to be honest, I’m just annoyed that I wasted calories on these. I guess it might be fun to put the rest in the microwave to watch them balloon up and explode.” At press time, sources confirmed Nelson sampled a real Peep and immediately went back to eating live chicks.
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