NEW YORK—Exclaiming “whoa, look at that kid,” as the small child whizzed past, sources confirmed Friday that they had seen an unaccompanied toddler just fucking sprinting down the sidewalk. “Holy shit, you should have seen him, the kid was absolutely hauling ass as fast as he could and there wasn’t a parent or guardian in sight,” said witness Stephanie Figueroa, adding that the toddler in question came out of goddamned nowhere and proceeded to bolt past several confused dogs, bikers, and pedestrians, all while screaming and laughing with his hands in the air. “I don’t know if he ran away from his mom or dad, or maybe a baby sitter, but I do now that he was fucking flying and that it did not look like he was about to stop. We waited a few seconds for a parent or guardian to sprint behind him and start yelling at him, but no one ever showed up. Then he just kept running. Still not exactly sure what it was all about.” At press time, Figueroa shrugged, turned to her friends, and decided to pretend like they had never seen the out-of-control toddler in the first place.
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