LARAMIE, WY—Waking up from his third nap of the day in a cold sweat, local infant Justin Washington confirmed Tuesday that he was continually experiencing an unsettling recurring nightmare where his mouth was full of teeth. “It’s wild—it’s me in the dream, but then instead of smiling and having bare, pink gums, my mouth is full of teeth,” said the newborn, explaining that part of the reason the dental-based dream stressed him out so much was that it always felt so real. “Sometimes I wake up screaming thinking it’s real, but then I run my tongue over my gums and everything’s normal. But sometimes I can feel them, like, growing in. They’re sharp and rock hard and are piercing through the flesh of my gums and there’s nothing I can do about it! Ick! It’s probably just anxiety, but I have it every time I doze off now, which is about 37 times a day. Shit really freaks me out.” At press time, an admittedly paranoid Washington reported feeling like a part of his skull was softer than the rest.
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