While there’s little information available about the mysterious medical process of terminating a pregnancy, The Onion asked men, the primary experts in everything, to explain how an abortion works.
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Timothy Gibson, Accountant
Timothy Gibson, Accountant
“Same way I got rid of the chipmunks digging up my lawn—you plug all the other escape routes with a cork and put a lit stick of dynamite in the trouble hole.”
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Patrick Yong, Flight Attendant
Patrick Yong, Flight Attendant
“Something to do with eating a bunch of Papa Johns, but I’m hazy on the specifics.”
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Rick Blanchard, Insurance Agent
Rick Blanchard, Insurance Agent
“Tampon goes up. Fetus comes out.”
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Ethan Hoss, Line Cook
Ethan Hoss, Line Cook
“Superconducting electromagnets create a strong magnetic field that causes two high-energy particle beams traveling close to the speed of light to collide, producing a massive—wait, sorry. That’s how the Hadron Collider works. I don’t know how abortion works.”
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Victor Allan, Roofer
Victor Allan, Roofer
“I guess I always figured a blender was involved.”
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Will Pirel, Jeweler
Will Pirel, Jeweler
“Ask my wife. She’s the one who handles those sorts of things.”
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Roland Reyes, Gamer
Roland Reyes, Gamer
“Cannonball to the belly.”
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Doug Blanton, Accountant
Doug Blanton, Accountant
“You listen to God and God tells you what to do, and if He demands you give birth, then you do that, and if He gives you incredibly detailed instructions for how to perform your own abortion, you do that too.”
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Tobias O’Connell, Rideshare Driver
Tobias O’Connell, Rideshare Driver
“First, they draw a big pentagram on the floor.”
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Thad Feinberg, Substitute Teacher
Thad Feinberg, Substitute Teacher
“You drive to Hillary Clinton’s house and give her a $10 bill. She bites it to make sure it’s real, and then she sucker punches you in the stomach. My girlfriend’s had three of them.”
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Liam Eilers, Associate Attorney
Liam Eilers, Associate Attorney
“Tiny guillotine.”
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Taylor Witheridge, Hedge Fund Manager
Taylor Witheridge, Hedge Fund Manager
“You pay $600 and the problem just sort of goes away on its own.”
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Donnie Gunderson, Biochemist
Donnie Gunderson, Biochemist
“You take one sip of wine.”
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Andrew Nicholson, Investment Banker
Andrew Nicholson, Investment Banker
“The doctor crawls inside of the womb to shake the fetus’s tiny hand before hitting it over the head with a frying pan.”
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Patrick Gaines, General Contractor
Patrick Gaines, General Contractor
“It’s like ‘Scrunch,’ ‘Pow-pow-pow,’ ‘Nyeeee,’ ‘Awooga, awooga,’ ‘Buh buh buh,’ ‘HONK HONK.’”
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Brendan Langston, Priest
Brendan Langston, Priest
“You go to the top of the Statue of Liberty and then fall down all of the stairs.”
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Francisco Steiner, Arborist
Francisco Steiner, Arborist
“They give the fetus a coupon for one free ride on a zip line, the path of which starts at the cervix and ends in a trash can.”
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Lucas Hirsch, Professor
Lucas Hirsch, Professor
“The fetus does a little tap dance, and then the doctor yanks it out with a cane.”
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Gregory Cooper, Bounty Hunter
Gregory Cooper, Bounty Hunter
“The woman spreads her legs and blasts the fetus out onto a target painted on the wall. Depending on how close the fetus splatters to the bull’s-eye, that’s how many taxpayer dollars she gets.”
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Don Aldrich, Locker Room Associate
Don Aldrich, Locker Room Associate
“Gun to the fetus’s head, quick and easy.”
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Antonio Diaz, Funeral Director
Antonio Diaz, Funeral Director
“Simple. A revivalist minister places his hand on your pregnant belly and just like that no more baby.”
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Maxwell Chumney, Civil Engineer
Maxwell Chumney, Civil Engineer
“A woman puts her breast onto the mammogram machine, and boom, it smashes the baby out.”
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James Elston, Bartender
James Elston, Bartender
“Not really sure, but if it’s all done correctly, the woman dies.”
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Samuel Young, Karate Teacher
Samuel Young, Karate Teacher
“They’re all done by some trans person who killed real doctors to impersonate them. They yank the bloody fetus out of the womb screaming ‘Critical race theory!’ and then dress it up in drag so they can have sex with it.”
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David King, Audio Engineer
David King, Audio Engineer
“Well, the first thing that needs to happen is to make sure my wife doesn’t find out.”
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Robert Cabrera, City Planner
Robert Cabrera, City Planner
“Castanets. No fetus can resist the intoxicating call of the flamenco.”
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Louis Hernandez, Street Magician
Louis Hernandez, Street Magician
“A witch doctor lights some candles and speaks some Latin words backwards, then Satan comes and takes the baby soul to hell.”
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Steve Wheelan, Art Dealer
Steve Wheelan, Art Dealer
“Whatever it is, it ends in a shame that she will feel until the day she dies!”
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Jeremy Williams, Stockbroker
Jeremy Williams, Stockbroker
“They go inside the woman’s uterus and paint a tunnel on the wall and then the fetus runs into it, thinking it’s a real tunnel.”
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Keith Moran, Used Car Salesman
Keith Moran, Used Car Salesman
“After the fetus is out, everyone takes turns throwing baseballs at it.”
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Hank Simmons, Podiatrist
Hank Simmons, Podiatrist
“You dance till it dies.”
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Brian Thompson, Baker
Brian Thompson, Baker
“All I know is that they celebrate by doing double Dutch with the umbilical cord.”
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Christopher Wesley, Grocery Store Clerk
Christopher Wesley, Grocery Store Clerk
“Vagina trebuchet.”
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You’ve Made It This Far…
You’ve Made It This Far…
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