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Men Explain How They Think An Abortion Works

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While there’s little information available about the mysterious medical process of terminating a pregnancy, The Onion asked men, the primary experts in everything, to explain how an abortion works.

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Timothy Gibson, Accountant

Timothy Gibson, Accountant

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“Same way I got rid of the chipmunks digging up my lawn—you plug all the other escape routes with a cork and put a lit stick of dynamite in the trouble hole.”

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Patrick Yong, Flight Attendant

Patrick Yong, Flight Attendant

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“Something to do with eating a bunch of Papa Johns, but I’m hazy on the specifics.”

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Rick Blanchard, Insurance Agent

Rick Blanchard, Insurance Agent

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“Tampon goes up. Fetus comes out.”

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Ethan Hoss, Line Cook

Ethan Hoss, Line Cook

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“Superconducting electromagnets create a strong magnetic field that causes two high-energy particle beams traveling close to the speed of light to collide, producing a massive—wait, sorry. That’s how the Hadron Collider works. I don’t know how abortion works.”

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Victor Allan, Roofer

Victor Allan, Roofer

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“I guess I always figured a blender was involved.”

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Will Pirel, Jeweler

Will Pirel, Jeweler

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“Ask my wife. She’s the one who handles those sorts of things.”

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Roland Reyes, Gamer

Roland Reyes, Gamer

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“Cannonball to the belly.”

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Doug Blanton, Accountant

Doug Blanton, Accountant

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“You listen to God and God tells you what to do, and if He demands you give birth, then you do that, and if He gives you incredibly detailed instructions for how to perform your own abortion, you do that too.”

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Tobias O’Connell, Rideshare Driver

Tobias O’Connell, Rideshare Driver

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“First, they draw a big pentagram on the floor.”

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Thad Feinberg, Substitute Teacher

Thad Feinberg, Substitute Teacher

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“You drive to Hillary Clinton’s house and give her a $10 bill. She bites it to make sure it’s real, and then she sucker punches you in the stomach. My girlfriend’s had three of them.”

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Liam Eilers, Associate Attorney

Liam Eilers, Associate Attorney

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“Tiny guillotine.”

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Taylor Witheridge, Hedge Fund Manager

Taylor Witheridge, Hedge Fund Manager

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“You pay $600 and the problem just sort of goes away on its own.”

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Donnie Gunderson, Biochemist

Donnie Gunderson, Biochemist

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“You take one sip of wine.”

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Andrew Nicholson, Investment Banker

Andrew Nicholson, Investment Banker

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“The doctor crawls inside of the womb to shake the fetus’s tiny hand before hitting it over the head with a frying pan.”

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Patrick Gaines, General Contractor

Patrick Gaines, General Contractor

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“It’s like ‘Scrunch,’ ‘Pow-pow-pow,’ ‘Nyeeee,’ ‘Awooga, awooga,’ ‘Buh buh buh,’ ‘HONK HONK.’”

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Brendan Langston, Priest

Brendan Langston, Priest

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“You go to the top of the Statue of Liberty and then fall down all of the stairs.”

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Francisco Steiner, Arborist

Francisco Steiner, Arborist

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“They give the fetus a coupon for one free ride on a zip line, the path of which starts at the cervix and ends in a trash can.”

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Lucas Hirsch, Professor

Lucas Hirsch, Professor

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“The fetus does a little tap dance, and then the doctor yanks it out with a cane.”

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Gregory Cooper, Bounty Hunter

Gregory Cooper, Bounty Hunter

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“The woman spreads her legs and blasts the fetus out onto a target painted on the wall. Depending on how close the fetus splatters to the bull’s-eye, that’s how many taxpayer dollars she gets.”

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Don Aldrich, Locker Room Associate

Don Aldrich, Locker Room Associate

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“Gun to the fetus’s head, quick and easy.”

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Antonio Diaz, Funeral Director

Antonio Diaz, Funeral Director

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“Simple. A revivalist minister places his hand on your pregnant belly and just like that no more baby.”

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Maxwell Chumney, Civil Engineer

Maxwell Chumney, Civil Engineer

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“A woman puts her breast onto the mammogram machine, and boom, it smashes the baby out.”

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James Elston, Bartender

James Elston, Bartender

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“Not really sure, but if it’s all done correctly, the woman dies.”

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Samuel Young, Karate Teacher

Samuel Young, Karate Teacher

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“They’re all done by some trans person who killed real doctors to impersonate them. They yank the bloody fetus out of the womb screaming ‘Critical race theory!’ and then dress it up in drag so they can have sex with it.”

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David King, Audio Engineer

David King, Audio Engineer

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“Well, the first thing that needs to happen is to make sure my wife doesn’t find out.”

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Robert Cabrera, City Planner

Robert Cabrera, City Planner

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“Castanets. No fetus can resist the intoxicating call of the flamenco.”

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Louis Hernandez, Street Magician

Louis Hernandez, Street Magician

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“A witch doctor lights some candles and speaks some Latin words backwards, then Satan comes and takes the baby soul to hell.”

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Steve Wheelan, Art Dealer

Steve Wheelan, Art Dealer

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“Whatever it is, it ends in a shame that she will feel until the day she dies!”

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Jeremy Williams, Stockbroker

Jeremy Williams, Stockbroker

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“They go inside the woman’s uterus and paint a tunnel on the wall and then the fetus runs into it, thinking it’s a real tunnel.”

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Keith Moran, Used Car Salesman

Keith Moran, Used Car Salesman

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“After the fetus is out, everyone takes turns throwing baseballs at it.”

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Hank Simmons, Podiatrist

Hank Simmons, Podiatrist

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“You dance till it dies.”

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Brian Thompson, Baker

Brian Thompson, Baker

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“All I know is that they celebrate by doing double Dutch with the umbilical cord.”

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Christopher Wesley, Grocery Store Clerk

Christopher Wesley, Grocery Store Clerk

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“Vagina trebuchet.”

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You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…

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