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Uncle’s Dating Advice Sex Crime

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JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Pulling aside his nephew and providing him with completely unsolicited guidance, local uncle Mitch Fulton, 55, reportedly offered dating advice Tuesday that qualified as a sex crime. “He asked me if I wanted a sip of his beer and then told me, ‘You know, buddy, if you ever want to get the girls, this is what you’ve got to do,’” Mason Price said of the encounter with his uncle, whose tips for how his nephew could improve his love life would likely result in a felony conviction requiring him to register as a sex offender and, in most states, serve a prison sentence. “He said some stuff about how a woman likes a man who takes control, and that while she might act upset at first, it had worked for him on plenty of occasions. To be honest, I tuned out most of what he was saying, but there were definitely a lot of sentences that ended with ‘and she’ll never know.’” When Price reminded his uncle that he was only 14 years old, Fulton assured his nephew that he could personally vouch for his advice still working on girls that age.

The Onion

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