Airline Forced To Remove Sober Buzzkill From Flight To Las Vegas

ATLANTA—After law enforcement escorted a passenger off the plane and charged him with orderly conduct, United Airlines confirmed Wednesday that it had been forced to remove sober buzzkill Ted Barnwell from a flight to Las Vegas. “During our in-flight beverage service, flight attendants reminded Mr. Barnwell that the plane was en route to Sin City and that he needed three shots of vodka ASAP, but he abstained, completely destroying the vibe,” United spokesperson James Merello said of the passenger, who persisted in quietly reading a newspaper and was later administered a blood-alcohol test that revealed a level of 0%, far below the Federal Aviation Administration’s legal minimum for travel to Nevada. “Despite repeated requests that he let it all hang out, Mr. Barnwell declined anything stronger than ginger ale, speaking in calm, measured tones that United Airlines does not tolerate on Vegas flights. Fortunately, several passengers assisted our crew in subduing the gentleman, inserting a beer bong, and forcing him to funnel a Heineken.” Reached for comment, Barnwell apologized for his behavior, telling reporters that he had boarded the wrong flight and mistakenly thought the plane was bound for Salt Lake City.